K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
