so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
