:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
