Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
