If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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