if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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