I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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