I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
