just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
