i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
