if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
