Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
