i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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