everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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