You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
