You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
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