Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
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