Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
