ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
