I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
