I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
