did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
