if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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