this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
