Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
