so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
