I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
