I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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