im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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