I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
