Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
