We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
