can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize