my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
