he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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