I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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