Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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