I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
