apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
