So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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