Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Everyone says I win the strip club
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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