so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
