Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
