dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
