well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
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