i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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