I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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