He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
