I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize