when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
