I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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