I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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