Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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