You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
