I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
