accomplished twins. life is a go
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
