He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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