if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Randomize