I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
