wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I enjoy the company of your penis
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
